WHOOHOO!

Today is a big day, I've officially lost 10% of my starting body weight - 33 lbs! (Yes, I realize now you not only know what I used to weigh, but what I weigh now...)

BUT SO WHAT!! I've lost the equivalent of a healthy toddler! And honestly, it wasn't THAT hard. Oh sure, the gnaw-your-leg-off weeks were TERRIBLE - but over the long haul it was do-able.

Now I know some of you reading this are going to think "geez, SHE can do it and I can't even lose a pound..." and get discouraged. I know that because I used to do that. While happy for my friend, I'd secretly feel sad that somehow without even DOING anything I had failed. And of course, failure made me want to eat!

But I want you to know - I WAS YOU. About 10 years ago I got FED UP with a lifetime of guilt and stress about food, and just gave up. Said that I'd rather be fat and happy than thin and stressed. So - I just stopped trying. And you know, for a few years, that was a good thing. I needed a break from all the beating myself up I was doing. But eventually, as even more weight came on, the guilt came back anyway. So I learned that guilt is really our conscience telling us what we need to do. The only way the guilt would go away, is to do the right thing. So like a shoplifter making restitution years later, I finally stepped up to the plate, acknowledged the problem and did the right thing.

I still have more than 100 lbs to lose. I've been at this exactly six months this week. That's a LONG time. And I have an even LONGER path ahead of me. But now I feel like I might actually get there! I still hate exercising, but I love how it makes me feel. So I'll do it, grudgingly and sparingly, but I'll get something in. And I've learned that I can feel satisfied with different food choices - I don't HAVE to get the burger and fries when we go out - but I CAN get them without guilt! Just making the mental shift that losing weight does not mean I have to change who I am or what I like is big. French Fries are still my favorite thing on earth. But now I'll be more particular - only eat them when they're really GOOD (like from my favorite restaurant) and then, maybe ONLY have the fries (not the burger). And I've learned that by passing up the burger and the fries three times, the fourth time I can have them COMPLETELY GUILT FREE!!

On the way home from Nashville the other day, I was totally worn out. In addition to not having had enough sleep, stressing getting there and performing on my game all day, then facing a long drive home - I was starving. I passed up Subway for Burger King, and got a Jr whopper (no cheese!) and fries. Told myself I needed this to feel better. Then I ate the burger and only about 1/2 the fries. And you know what? I didn't miss the rest of the fries. I put them back in the bag and threw it on the floor of the car where I couldn't reach it. BUT STILL, I didn't miss them. The next day, I just started fresh, determined to keep to my points. The best part? I STILL MANAGED TO LOSE 2.2 lbs this week!!! Now any food plan that lets me pig out on Burger King when I was stressed and STILL lose weight, works for me. That tells me that I can do this long haul.

I think what had stopped me from losing weight before is I thought I'd have to change all this stuff - give up my best friend food! But you know, it seems that's not so. All I have to do is manage it well enough that I have the freedom to get off the wagon from time to time.

I frequently compare my food addiction to an alcohol addiction unfairly - since I still have to EAT food, I can't just avoid it, it seems the harder addiction to get a grip on. HOWEVER - my thinking is changing. I am fortunate that I don't have to give up the food completely. Unlike an alcoholic, I don't have to say goodbye to my substance of choice forever. I know that French Fries will always be there when I am ready. And if I WAIT till I am ready, I can indulge without guilt, without fear of backsliding. And THAT is truly a wonderful thing.

I think I can finally beat this thing, and become the healthy, happy person I deserve to be!
You can too!

Blessings,
Jenn

Good News Bad News

I 've been having SUCH a tough week, just gnaw your leg off hungry. This has been very challenging, and since I didn't get to weigh in yesterday (my weigh in buddy bailed, we're going today) I don't know how bad the damage was.

BUT

I'm wearing a pair of pants today that I've never been able to wear before. I could get them on before, but they were so tight as to be uncomfortable. So far I've had them on all morning, and plan on wearing them all day.

SO

lesson learned - I can lose a battle or two and still win the war. I have to keep the big picture in front of me when I'm having these hard weeks, and feel good about what I have accomplished. I have to USE that to inspire myself to recommit to the fight.

I think what scared me this week is I saw how easily I could fall back into old habits.
Yesterday a dear friend died. It was expected, she had lived months longer than anyone expected. While I'm happy her suffering is relieved, I'm sad for myself. And her family. And on impluse last night I bought a candy bar and ate three quarters of it. But I threw away the last portion. So perhaps I am redeemable. The chocolate DID make me feel better, I wish I could say it didn't help. But I was able to make it just that moment, and end it, not let it spiral down out of control. So, back to the trenches with a good breakfast. Now I have to get back on the exercise bandwagon. But that's another post.

BITE MY TONGUE!

That's about ALL I can bite - I've eaten EVERY LAST POINT I had this week - never done that before. I had one of those HUNGRY weeks - I feel like a crazed animal stumbling out of hibernation to find it's still February and there's no food to be found!!! Turns out I got my period yesterday, which explains a lot, but doesn't make it easier.

When I first started this, I worked on only eating till I was NOT HUNGRY, not till I was satisfied. Turns out I apparently NEVER get satisfied. So if I can eat juuuuust enough to take the edge off till the next meal, I do well. But this week... aaaaaugh.

I'm afraid to get on the scale tomorrow. I'm retaining water, I've had a rough week, it's gonna be ugly. I try not to get discouraged, but it's really hard. I REALLY want this to work, I need to get a grip on my relationship with food... oh oh oh - here's a thought...

Had a conversation the other night with one of those NATURALLY SKINNY people we all love to hate. She was eating two hotdogs and two kinds of chips at the time, I was trying to make my Fresca last me until I got home at 8 and could eat something healthy. We talked about food, and as she put about half the hot dog down on her plate, I asked her if we left that in front of her the rest of the evening, would she eat it? She said "No, of course not, i'm not hungry".
2 things there:
1. notice she didn't say -" I'm FULL" she was NOT HUNGRY. Big difference I think now.
2. as we talked, she expressed that seeing it there in front of her was not remotely tempting to eat it because it was there. I said that I'd probably pick at it all night and eventually it would all be gone, because I'd not be able to keep my eyes off it. I wonder... maybe I'm too concerned about having a RELATIONSHIP with food... what I need to do is not be so emotionally involved with it. Clearly she had no 'relationship' with that food, she ate until she was no longer hungry, then was done with it. Thrown away like an emergency prom date on Saturday morning. No regrets. While she could care less about the pile of chips and half eaten dog on her plate, I couldn't keep my eyes off it - NOR the table piled high with dogs and burgers and chips and soda. I held out more than an hour, then finally gave in and had a burger and a few chips. And you know, it was not remotely satisfying. Maybe I have to stop looking for FOOD to satisfy me, and understand that it's meant to just make me NOT HUNGRY. No more no less.

I just can't figure out how to divorce rewarding myself with food. Several of us ladies talked about it that night. I mean food is the best drug around.
It's:
Cheap
Readily Available
Legal
Socially Acceptable
Tasty

The magazines tell you to reward yourself with a bubble bath, or a new blouse.
Well can't get a new blouse for $3 and take a bubble bath in 10 minutes while answering my email - but I can eat half a tray of oreo cookies! Cheap and fast. Easier to shop for than blouses. Don't have to take time from my schedule to prepare or consume.

If anybody has any ideas on how to break the habit/reward oneself sanely I'd sure like to hear it.

so far, the food tastes better than I think thin will feel!!!

Off to fight another day!